Not in this lifetime
by Lunar.Pixie
Summary: "Ichigo... She's gone." After that day, he was never the same again. An IchiRuki three-shot.
1. Chapter 1

_**Hey there! This is a short two-shot AU thing that I made a year back, but haven't got down to actually writing it down in proper sentences until now. Hope you guys like it! This is my first attempt at doing an angsty-ish fic, so I might not be that good at it. **_

_**P.S. People who are following "It took me awhile", sorry! I'm still quite unhappy over my epilogue, so I wouldn't be posting it just yet. But thank you so much for waiting!**_

_**P.P.S. Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**_

* * *

"RUKIAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

He screamed as he ran towards her. His mind racing as he kept telling himself that this wasn't happening. He knelt down beside her, picking her up so gently as if she was going to break any time. Ichigo, too, was badly injured during the fight, but all the pain from his wounds were nothing as compared to the impending grief that was soon filling up his chest as he looked down at the badly battered Rukia with a huge slash across her abdomen. "Rukia! You can do it, Rukia! Just hold on, hold on for just… for just…" Her eyes felt heavy as she struggled to look up at Ichigo, the love of her life. His amber pools were glistening from the tears that were threatening to fall. "You're gonna be okay, Rukia. Don't worry. I'm here, I'm here." She let out a small smile; it was a selfish thought, but she couldn't deny how happy she was to know that Ichigo cared this much for her. She was content.

"You… fool." She uttered, as she slowly closed her eyes.

"Hey! Rukia! Please, don't… don't close your… Rukia! Wake up!" He yelled as he stroke her left cheek; his hands trembling as he did so. Her face bore no remnants of pain as she lay there in his arms, she looked almost as if she was sleeping, peacefully, if not for the gashes all over her petite body. "Rukia, please…" Ichigo felt more people walking towards him, but he wasn't sure who, as his vision was slowly blurred by tears. He held on to her, the stench of the blood coming out of his wounds mixing with hers looming in the air.

"Ichigo… She's gone." Renji managed to break the silence.

"NOOOO! GO AWAY! She's gonna be fine! GO. AWAY." Ichigo screamed as he waved his free hand hysterically. He knew that he was lying to himself, he could no longer feel any warmth from her body; but he just felt like clinging on and hopefully, the pain would be more bearable. "Ichigo…" Renji replied, almost in a whisper, with the feeling of helplessness in his eyes.

Ever since Ichigo passed on from the World of the Living and became a captain in Soul Society, he had matured from his usual reckless and impulsive self to be one who is calm and collected, but today, kneeling before his comrades and subordinates with Rukia in his arms, he had lost all his composure. He screamed and wailed incoherent words and phrases while he rocked them back and forth. He wasn't ready to let go. Not now, not just yet.

But it wasn't his choice.

His grip on her tightened as he felt her fading away from him for the second time in his life. The familiar feeling of loss and desolation filled his senses, but this time it was different. This time, he wasn't sure if he would ever see her again. This time, he wouldn't be able to say "Later, Rukia." This time, he probably had to truly say goodbye.

The sun was shining brightly in Soul Society that day, but what Ichigo could only feel was the rain that was pouring relentlessly in his heart.

After that day, he was never the same again. It was as if his heart had gone numb. He hardly smiled, and he never shed a single tear.

* * *

"We're clear here." Hisagi Shuuhei announced as he landed beside his captain.

"Ah, alright. Let's move out to the next location." The captain of the ninth squad called out as he waved for the rest to follow him. The group of shinigamis shunpo-ed together behind their captain as they weaved through the city of Kochi, stepping on the rooftops of buildings to propel themselves forward.

All of the sudden, their captain stopped abruptly and landed atop one of the buildings. The rest of the team shunpo-ed to where he was, and stood beside him watching as he stared intently at something below. "What is it, Kurosaki-taicho? Is it a hollow?" Hisagi asked, squinting to figure out what Ichigo was so captivated by. Could his reiatsu deduction skills have sunk so low that he didn't realize a hollow wandering down there on the streets? "Wait here" was all he said, before Ichigo jumped down towards the small park across the street from their building.

Once he landed on the ground, the orange-haired shinigami just ran. He ran like he never ran before. The feeling of exhilaration filled his body, and he was starting to feel alive again.

It was her. He was sure. Or at least, he hoped with every fiber of his being that he was sure. He wouldn't have mistaken her face for anyone in the world anyway, he couldn't. Every part of her, every detail of her has always been deeply imprinted in his mind.

Soon, he was standing right before her. He couldn't believe his eyes. It was really her, or someone who looks exactly like her. But Ichigo chose to dwell in the theory of the former. Wearing a yellow sundress, carrying bags of groceries in her hands and with her jet-black hair swaying lightly in the wind, she walked slowly towards his direction. And just like that, Ichigo was involuntarily reverted back to a young teen boy. He was at loss of what to say, what to do or how to act. "Rukia." He breathed out.

And just as he hoped, dreamt, and fantasized every single day of those twenty years without her; she stopped and looked at him.

* * *

_**Oh hey! I'm not sure what happens after a shinigami die, but… I guess they just fade away? I don't know. Just my guess. **_

_**And OH, a good friend of mine was the one who chose the ninth squad that Ichigo should be captain for, so don't go asking WHY THE HELL IS HE IN THE NINTH SQUAD HE SHOULD BE IN THE WHATEVER SQUAD. Go write your own damn story then. **_

_**Okay, that was harsh. ;D ! Well, review! The next and final chapter should be up by next week. I've already written more than half of it. So, no worries!**_


	2. Chapter 2

The ebony-haired girl, carrying four large bags of groceries in her hands, stepped out of the supermarket, and walked towards the direction of her house. This was one of her favourite times of the year, as the cool autumn weather felt like an invitation for winter to come. For some unknown reason, she always loved the cold, and had always welcomed it with open arms. While others were all huddled up in warm coats, she felt perfectly comfortable with just a sundress and a thin cardigan.

As she strolled past the small park situated in the middle of the city, she could hear children playing and screaming, and feel the light chilly breeze that grazed her cheeks; she let out a small smile.

Then, all of the sudden, something made her stop abruptly. She looked up in front of her, and it was as if her mind was trying to tell her something, urging her to remember something.

* * *

Ichigo looked down at her as she continued to stare right at him. Her face was a little blank, as if she was trying to recall something. His smile wavered a little, but just for a millisecond, before his sheepish grin widened even further. He should have known; it was impossible for her to recognize him immediately. After about two seconds, she blinked a couple of times, as if she finally realized what she was trying to remember.

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"_I left my umbrella at the supermarket."_

* * *

As if everything moved in slow motion, Ichigo watched as the raven-haired girl turned away from him and started to walk briskly in the opposite direction.

"_Why."_

Without thinking, he yelled out her name. Once, twice; before he started to run after her. Finally catching up with her, he reached out and touched her shoulder, calling out her name again. This time, she let out a high-pitched scream. She held on to her shoulder, dropping her bags as she did so, and looked around, eyes darting left and right, before she quickly picked up her fallen groceries and sprinted towards the supermart; she was terrified.

It became painfully clear to him that she couldn't see him. Couldn't hear him. Couldn't feel him.

"_How."_

How is it possible that, in the past, she would always be the first one to know where he was; but now, standing right beside her, she was completely oblivious to his presence?

"_Perhaps… perhaps she wasn't Rukia."_

Ichigo couldn't bring himself to even entertain that thought.

* * *

Hisagi watched as his captain bore the look of defeat. He had immediately recognized the girl that Ichigo approached, and he, too, had hoped that she would, at least, remotely possess some form of spiritual energy. But as it became apparent that she doesn't, he called out to the team to fall out and report back to Soul Society while he silently followed his captain. Hisagi, himself, was unsure of whether his decision to stalk Ichigo was out of pure curiousity or to make sure that the orange-haired shinigami doesn't do something stupid.

He watched as his captain followed her all the way back to the supermarket. She still looked frightened, but was visibly calmed after she stepped through the sliding doors of the grocery store. He followed her while she weaved through the shelves and shelves of food, before finally stopping to pick up a red umbrella tucked in between two piles of canned food that were on sale. He, then, followed her home.

For hours, Hisagi just sat on the nearby roof, watching Ichigo trail the girl's footsteps while she busies herself with housework. She looked calm, almost happy, as she seemingly forgot all about her horrifying "paranormal" encounter; while, Ichigo, on the other hand, looked on longingly. It was painful to watch.

"_How can you be so close, and yet, so far away."_

* * *

Soon, a few hours morphed into a few days. He would sneak off to the World of the Living every now and then, and return to Soul Society only when he was called back or if he needed to hand in his weekly report. Hisagi stopped following his captain after the third time he went to the World of the Living, as he felt like he was intruding into Ichigo's own sacred haven.

A few weeks after the visits started, Ichigo started to look happier. His visits to the World of the Living were still frequent, if not, more often than before. He was talking more, and had started interacting with his subordinates like he did before Rukia passed on. At times, one could even spot him letting out a smile or two. But the visits continue to worry Hisagi; afterall, it was never healthy to have an obsession. He knew all too well, having once been lieutenant for Kaname Tosen.

* * *

_**I'm so sorry guys! But here is the update! I'm sorry it took so long and that I broke my promise of updating it a week after my last update. I just started school and it was really hectic as I was enrolled TO THE WRONG CLASS! So, basically, I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to rectify the problem. **_

_**Anyway, I'm changing this to a three-shot. Just to add to the suspense. Nothing changed from my original pre-planned plot, so no worries! Thank you guys for being so patient! And to show my gratitude, I've finished the story! YAY! **_


	3. Chapter 3

He watched as the couple played around in the snow. The girl falls and they both tumbled down the slope, laughing and giggling. He smiles, but he couldn't decide if it was out of sympathy, or that he was truly happy for them.

A black-haired man with a tattoo "69" on his left cheek walked up beside Renji. He, too, had a sad glint in his eyes. Looking over to the redhead, he broke the silence, "It cannot go on like this, and you know that."

"Let's give them another week."

Hisagi sighed as he gave one last look at his captain. Before he shunpo-ed off, he said to Renji, "Sou-taicho is already getting suspicious. But, I think you already know that." And in a flash, he was gone.

* * *

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He waited. He waited until the girl was out of sight before he commenced with his plan. He had given them enough time; he had to do it. Putting on the red glove, Renji charged towards the orange-haired man and effectively pushed Ichigo's soul form out of his gigai.

"What the?!"

Renji straightened up and began mindlessly dusting off his shihakusho.

"Renji! That's an odd way of greeting someone." Ichigo snapped.

"Come on. Let's go back." Renji merely said, in a calm manner. In contrast to his stoic expression, Renji was mentally distraught as he struggled to find the words to break it to Ichigo that such meetings have to stop. Permanently.

"Wait!" Ichigo yelled as he ran after Renji, "Wait, you've got to see this, Renji!"

The sixth division vice-captain winced. "There's no time, Ichigo."

"But Renji! I found her! I finally found her!" Ichigo insisted as he caught up to his nakama and placed a hand on his shoulder to stop Renji from moving any farther away from him. Renji, reluctantly, turned to face Ichigo.

He was smiling.

That bastard was actually smiling.

The look on Ichigo's face was enough to make Renji regret his decision. Enough to make Renji question himself on why he was even here in the first place. Enough to tempt Renji to just forgo with this mission altogether, take them both into his arms, and just hope everything will be all right again. But he couldn't. He shouldn't. With his mind battling fiercely with his heart, he only managed to breathe out, "Ichigo…"

"Hold on, she's coming back soon. Just wait here, alright? I promise, it's really her!" He exclaimed, looking as if he was going to hyperventilate from all the excitement he was struggling to contain inside of him. Ichigo clutched on to his forehead before adding, "After all these years… I think she- she reincarnated or something. You know? Reborn? Like a- like a phoenix!"

"Ichigo…"

Completely ignoring Renji, he continued babbling, "She has the same hair! The same violet eyes, the same nose, the same… everything! She's still a midget too!" He paused to lightly chuckle at that thought before going on, "She even talks and act-"

"How."

"I told you! I think she reincar-"

"No, I mean how long have you been doing this, Ichigo?"

His happy face morphed slowly into a scowl as he stared at Renji in confusion. "Huh?"

"How long have you been LYING TO YOURSELF ICHIGO?"

Ichigo's eyes widened in shock. Unable to look at Renji in the eye, he turned away from him and replied, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"She isn't Rukia."

Ichigo was quick to snap back, "You don't know that."

"See! That's what I mean! Stop doing this to yourself, Ichigo. SHE isn't Rukia. She may have been in her past life, I don't know, but THAT GIRL." He yelled, while pointing at the girl running towards the now lifeless body of Ichigo, "THAT GIRL ISN'T RUKIA. NOT IN THIS LIFETIME."

They both watched as the raven-haired girl let go of the cups in her hands at the sight of the man lying face-flat on the ground. She dropped to her knees beside him and cautiously shook the body. As tears started to form in her eyes from the lack of response, Ichigo started to walk towards his gigai. But Renji quick-stepped in front of him and held out both of his hands to stop him from going back into the body.

"Move." Ichigo said, but Renji stayed put in his position.

"Get. Away. From. Me." Ichigo said with venom dripping off every word.

"I can't let you do this, Ichigo."

"I said. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, RENJI." Renji winced at the tone of his voice, but stood still. Ichigo shoved lightly at Renji enough to push him aside before he continued to stomp towards the gigai.

"Ichigo!" Renji cried out, "ICHIGO STOP!" And the next sound that vibrated through the space was the clashing of their Zanpakutos.

"I don't want to fight you, Renji." Ichigo said as he swiped Zangetsu upwards, effectively untangling it from Renji's sword. But Renji pressed on, charging at Ichigo, "You can't do this, Ichigo." Their zanpakutos once again made contact with a loud "Clang!" The orange-haired captain glared at his opponent. Renji returned the glare with equal vigor as he stated, "It's capital punishment, Ichigo!"

Ichigo pushed his weight against his sword, causing Renji to stumble back from the impact and fall on his backside. Ichigo, then, turned Zangetsu to the blunt side, not wanting to hurt his friend, before slamming it down onto the fallen shinigami. But Renji was quick to stop it with his zanpakuto. "Since when was I bothered about that?" Ichigo snapped at the moment their swords collided.

"Sai!" Renji yelled, and Ichigo immediately dropped his weapon as his arms were forced behind his back. Renji took the opportunity to get up from his disadvantaged position while Ichigo effortlessly broke free of the Kido spell and picked Zangetsu up. Their swords meet each other head on again, but this time Renji continued on charging even after both zanpakutos crashed into each other. This move allowed him to corner Ichigo as his back hits the wall behind him.

"What were you planning to do, huh? I've been watching you, Ichigo. Just what the _fuck_ were you trying to do, Ichigo?" Ichigo grunted at the force as he scowled menacingly at Renji, but he continued.

"Were you trying to use her to make up for the lost times that you never had with Rukia?"

Upon hearing that, Ichigo stopped resisting and stared right into Renji's eyes.

"Or were you trying to use her to relive your memories with Rukia? Were you trying to make her fall in love with you too?"

"SHUT UP!" Ichigo screamed, not wanting to hear anymore of this, as with each question Renji threw at him, it rang more and more true.

"STOP BEING SO SELFISH, ICHIGO!"

Finally, Ichigo grew limp, losing all the strength he once had. Renji, too, lowered his sword as he said almost in a whisper, "Just… just look at her."

They both turned their heads to observe the petite girl. She was kneeling down beside Ichigo's gigai with one hand clutching tightly onto her cellphone while covering her face, sobbing, trembling, and screaming out incoherent words as her other hand pulled on Ichigo's clothing to try and wake him up.

Ichigo's scowl deepened at the sight of this. He hated the thought, but he knew that it was the right thing to do. He… as much as he would like it, he had no right to dictate how her life should be.

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Renji watched as Ichigo trudged slowly towards the crying girl, he somehow knew that this time he didn't have to stop him. That this time, Ichigo understood. After Ichigo entered his gigai, he immediately went into character by feigning a headache, while Renji shunpo-ed off.

* * *

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Ichigo waited as the raven-haired girl unlocked the doors of her house. "Thanks, Yukina. I really had a great time today, as usual."

Yukina smiled as she turned away from the opened door to face him, and replied, "Me too. Are you sure you're feeling okay? Because I can always-"

"I'm fine, I told you like five thousand times already!" Ichigo cuts her mid speech. A single vein popped up on the girl's forehead as she barked, "Well, sorry for being concerned! I should've left you out there to die, if I knew I was going to be repaid with this!" Ichigo chuckled at both her cute outburst and the bitter irony of what she just said.

"I'm fine, Yukiyuki. Really."

"Okay, and stop calling me that!" She leaned on the doorpost as she fidgeted with the hems of her dress, "So… how long are you going away for this time?"

Ichigo flinched, but replied, "I… I don't know."

"Ohh."

"It might be…" _Permanent? _He thought."It might be… longer, this time round."

"Oh." She replied, this time with an obvious dispiritedness in her voice, as she stared at her feet.

"But!" He suddenly exclaimed causing her to look up at him, "But I will always –always– be there to protect you. Just as I promised."

They both stared into each other's eyes for what seemed like hours, before Yukina broke the silence by punching Ichigo's chest and commenting, "GOD. That was so corny! When the hell did you become so sappy, Ichigo!" He frowned at her for a moment before they both erupted into fits of laughter.

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She was about to bid him goodbye after recovering from their little hysterics, but he suddenly looked at her dead in the eye and called, "Yukina."

"Hmm?"

"Can I… Can I ask you for a favour?"

"Sure, anything." She replied, straightening up.

"This may sound weird, but can you… kick me and call me a fool?"

Yukina blinked, "What?"

"I SAID CAN YOU KICK ME AND CALL ME A FOOL? ARE YOU DEAF OR SOMETHING, YOU HEARING-IMPAIRED MIDGET!" And in the next second, Ichigo was lying on the other side of the corridor with a shoe mark on his left cheek.

"Don't. Call. Me. Midget." She fumed, but she was immediately enveloped in Ichigo's arms. "Ichigo?"

"Shhh."

Ichigo wished time would just freeze at this moment. Like this. It doesn't matter if people didn't think she was Rukia. Heck, it didn't even matter if she was really a reincarnate of Rukia. He just felt like clinging on. He didn't want to let go. He wanted to just continue to lie to himself, even if it meant that he would fall deeper and deeper into this hole that he had created for himself that would ultimately kill him, both mentally and physically.

But it wasn't just about him.

He had dragged Yukina into this too.

And that was what pushed Ichigo to jam one of his hands into his jean pocket and pulling out a lighter-like device with a Chappy head attached at the top, while the other arm still held Yukina firmly against his body. Without her noticing, he held the device behind her as he hugged her. He breathed in deeply, to prepare himself for what is to come later, and to take in her scent for the last time. His thumb quivered as he struggled to place it on the button of the lighter. Tightening his grip on her as he gave her one last squeeze, he breathed out, "I love you, Rukia.".

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Yukina stiffened under his hold upon hearing what he said, before feeling a twinge of pain in her heart. She shook it away and reminded herself that he was just a friend. Her mind played flashbacks of the times when Ichigo would accidentally slipped out that name while calling out to her, or when he slept he would murmur that same name countless times. She had long established that she was probably just some replacement for the loss of his significant other, but still, she couldn't help but feel jealous over her. Over this girl named "Rukia."

She hugged him back. "Psh, Ichigo, you fool."

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And for the first time in twenty years, he allowed his tears to flow freely down his cheeks as he pressed the button.

* * *

_**Yes, I'm done! I'm so not used to writing sad stories, so I was really struggling with this one, but I'm glad it's done and I am pretty happy with the result!**_

_**Anyway, in case you guys are confused, the lighter-like device is also known as a "Kikanshinki" which is the memory substitution device used on humans to alter their memories. **_

_**And also, no, Yukina and Ichigo are not lovers in this fiction. They merely spend time together, as friends. As for their feelings, it is up to your imaginations!**_

_**ALSO ALSO, I used the name "Yukina" for Rukia's "reincarnate" for two reasons. One, I always fine it weird whenever authors use "Rukia" for their Rukia reincarnates. Because, how is that even possible? Our names are chosen by our parents, most of the time, how is it even plausible for them to so coincidentally choose the same name? But I do understand if it's a multi-chapter fiction, it may be confusing to use other names. But since mine is a short fiction, I decided to make it a little more realistic! The other reason is because "Yuki" means snow in Japanese, and snow is somehow related to Rukia. I DON'T KNOW I JUST LIKE THE NAME. Hahhaha.**_

_**Anyways, thank you so much for waiting for this chapter and for reading my fiction. I really appreciate it. (;**_


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